Loving Self!!!!

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I never wanted to speak like someone else, or write like someone else. I have always loved myself through all of my flaws and all. As I listen to people and hear grips and groans about how they desire to be somebody else. I realize that not loving yourself is scary, painful, and something I pray my daughters never experience. We must love the uniqueness God gave us and utilize to live on purpose.

God made us special and unique for a reason. Not to desire to be like somebody else…..that’s a sin but we are to love our self authentically and others. But how can we truly love our neighbor when we don’t love ourselves.

Time to life life and let your individual light shine!!!!

Negative Thoughts = Disaster

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Thoughts raced in my mind quicker than a speeding bullet or at least that sounds about right. Fear seems to be contagious in a way. I would hang around certain people and before long I would have fears racing in my head and some of those fears did not belong to me. So, was I supposed to live in a bubble? or just  run like hell from people? But choices that I came up with did not go with my personality. I am a lover of people and even animals too. I loved talking to people about life and experiences but if I got around a crew that had a thousand and one buts as to why they are not happy and where they want to be and had something negative say about not only themselves but other people I would slowly feel myself loosing energy as I absorbed their crap. My husband says to me all of the time that I listen and that’s all people want is for someone to listen but I wasn’t just listening I was absorbing and I wasn’t getting paid for it. The thing is this. I have to learn how to step in take my power back and do what makes me feel great and that’s speaking life over myself and others. So toss those negative thoughts out the door and welcome in new people and situations.

Steps to elevate Negativity in your Life

1. Pray( please a prayer in your God box asking God to change your mind set and place positive and progressive people in your life and block out all of those that aren’t right for you)

2. Live your life (Do fun things….laugh a lot and worry less)

3. At the end of the day and before your day begins MEDITATE

4. Exercise more( walks in nature)

5. Eat healthier( going to sleep after eating cake will have you dreaming all kinds of crazy stuff.

6. If somebody is around you and everything is negative just walk away and politely excuse yourself *you might be alone for  awhile but honey that is better than being around someone that dumps their crap on you…

Peace and Love to you ALL!!!!!!

Anxiety….Depression Chronicles…..

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Anxiety….Depression…..Oh My!!!!

By: Ross Dee Wright

11:11 p.m. blinks in bold red dashes over and over again on the clock sitting neatly up on my nightstand as I or rather my mind tries to find some sort of sleep and rest but somehow my thoughts are set on running all over the place as usual. My focus wonders in the same directions as I concern myself with everything that is meaningless leaving little to no room for happiness or even rest which I am almost certain will never come within the grips of my eyes. Before I can go on I look over to the clock and see that it is still 11:11 p.m. everything is a message so of course I insist that 11:11 is trying to warn me or confirm some horrible truth. Maybe my wishes of happiness and peace will finally settle into my mind taking up residence or maybe relaxing all of the tension that is pulling my peace of mind further and further away from me with stop in an instant. 11:11 means something and I have looked it up over a hundred times so I should know exactly what it represents but I try not to focus in on it so much instead I reach over and pop my anti-anxiety pill and I wait for just the moment or second that it pops into my system to quiet down my mind and the thoughts about my life coming to an abrupt end. I turn back over and decide to search just what 1111 means and of course it means that something is trying to get my attention and that I should pay attention to my thoughts but somehow my thoughts and everything was trying to get my attention from the clock to the racing thoughts in my head……………….Things are starting to slow down just a bit and everything isn’t as intense as it was before but I knew in my mind that I only had a few minutes before my thoughts exploded and covered over my clarity and moments of sanity with total confusion. Maybe it was wearing off just that quickly because my thoughts are not supposed to be worries attached to should have’s and could have’s. The medicine is anti-anxiety but somehow my anxiety on days like this one seemed to heighten.

Jail……a mental jail is one way to describe it; my feelings but at least in jail you have a moment of free play, or interaction. Somehow my free play was restricted and redirected to worry and worrying is what I did but I thought that the medicine was suppose to calm my nerves down and relax me and have me stuck on chill mode but it didn’t.. Smiling through things is what I do best. I bet nobody knew that the active and friendly mother of two and wife was suffering from anxiety and depression a time or two that would confine me to only my room left to deal with my mind. Not a single soul would ever know how I stay up all night long only to see the rising of the sun and then I quickly fall asleep knowing that I had made it safely to morning, or how I drop out of sight from friends and family just alike because of my desire to keep my bad moments, and fragile state out of the way of inquiring and judgmental minds. I hate the questions the most. The questions that seems to probe into my life with a huge microscope; examining all of my faults or maybe that’s just the anxiety getting the best of my emotions and worries as I cry out to God in the midnight hour to come down and save me from this mental insanity or curse that seems to be tied to me my aunts, and father as well.

I have been battling anxiety and depression since 15 years old and now at 33 years of age it has seeped back in after the death of my mother. I guess it is true what people say that somehow you are your mother and she is you. I never could understand my mothers’ fears about riding on the freeway or flying until I faced those same fears and a couple of new ones. All of a sudden I just knew that my life was doomed and that I wouldn’t live to see my daughter grow into adulthood and I flashed back and remembered that being a fear of my mothers’ as well. Anxiety seems to be passed down through generation to generation in my family along with depression.

I figured that I could find the golden ticket; the answer to solve my mental problems without the doctors so I reached for herbal remedies like passion flower tea but the symptoms went away for just a bit but somehow as life stressors emerge the effect of my herbal rememedies slowly disappeared and I ended up in the emergency room with face tingles and a headache that didn’t seem to want to leave my head. After the intake nurse and my husband at that hospital insisted on making jokes about the assumed tumor that I just knew was enlarged and sitting in my head I decided to go back or rather run back to my doctor and back on my anti-anxiety, depression, and adhd medicine. I hated taking pills but I wanted some sort of peace and ability to function.

I try to incorporate exercising, prayer, meditation, eating healthy, and just living life into my daily regimen but as we all know life is still just difficult at times. So I decided that I can only take one day at a time and I am learning to live for me, love myself and others more and to stop attempting to prove myself to anybody on this earthly plain. Honestly, I have my super days and my jacked up and ran over days but I try not to focus on the bad and just pray, regroup, and live through the blahhh days. and to be honest it feels great and on those days I start slipping I pray, regroup and live. I keep my faith strong and run like heck away from that darn passion flower tea and caffeine too.

As a woman sufferer of a mental illness I think; no rather I know that it is imperative to share my stories because honey, my shoes ain’t nothing new and hopefully my story could help another woman feel like she isn’t all alone or abnormal as she attempts to live through the stigma of mental illness . It’s time to release, reflect, renew, and heal !

God GAVE Back What THE Devil Stole FROM me!!!!

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As a creative person I am blessed with so many different talents and ideas. But somehow the stressors of life and the impatience of my soul has my mind in a thousand different directions trying to find prosperity, wanting to make a name for myself, and peace all in one breath. During this quest for excellence I must admit I have lost my peace at times, joy, general happiness and the ability to just simply live and enjoy the blessing that God had already blessed me with instead of just focusing on my lacks.  I am learning everyday to trust and know that God will do everything that he said he will do. So sometimes(NOT ALL) its best to just simply stop…..relax…release the need to control outcomes and people that are uncontrollable. Step back and pray a heck of a lot and meditate when  you are going through and most importantly I pray for strength, endurance and peace as I go through my trails and tribulations. I must be completely honest with you at times I feel like my situation is hopeless because I can’t understand the resolution and then my peace and happiness is gone, just like that within seconds.

I am developing a tongue that projects life. I am not defeated….I am a child of the most high GOD, my battles have been fought for me and Jesus paid the cost for my soul at calvary. I have to get my tongue back to speaking life and claiming victory. The truth is I have been redeemed and I am refreshed thanks to God’s mighty love and blessings.

I am learning that wealth will come and go. I used to think that wealth was the answer to every single problem that existed in my life but the reality is simple….money, pride, and arrogance often  hindered me from having the true peace and comfort I was truly seeking so desperately. As I turned to God not man for answers and asked for a heart that was righteous then my transition began and is still going on. This is truly my testimony and it’s written in truth and is still being written as I go on throughout my day but I wanted to blog my testimony to let somebody know that you are not alone in your anxieties and worries about life and even your faith so I can only tell you that some days will be dreadfully bad and then some will be glorious but take time to stop for a minute….pray and pray some more. I think I rather stop….relax…release…and wait today rather than chase after thangs that ain’t right me.

May Peace enter into your lives…..

Enjoy your Day!!!!