Heal through your creative flo!!!!!
Peace & Blessings
After the day has passed away I am usually left in my thoughts. Trying to figure out who is true, who is fake, which way to go, which risk to dive into, who to share it with, and who to partner with.
Honestly, I went wrong when I tried to figure. I am slowly learning to break away from my trust issues and just say a prayer and be confident in knowing that God is guiding me and that I am ok. It’s not easy living in a world that loves to take advantage of people when you have a giving and lifting people up type of spirit. Especially when you find yourself lifting, and pouring into others that really would never do the same for you which doesn’t make them a horrible person but it has taught me to take care of Dee first and STOP people pleasing and it should teach you same thing.I am learning that I am not selfish for loving on Dee. I can still help others but I am learning to first help myself and that’s the truth. Now, I just gotta put that taking care of Dee thing into action.
Peace and Blessing to you all…….Enjoy your weekend!!!
I rubbed my fingers through a pile of mustard seeds just to see and feel for myself how small they actually were. Now, I suppose my faith is strong. Strong enough to overcede a mustard seed. I watched how they rolled out of my hand and through the openings in the palms of my hands until there was nothing else left. I got up from my chair convinced that my faith would push through doors and boundaries that I couldn’t even imagine. I was sure that the mustard seed had nothing on the faith I had tucked away in me. At that moment I knew the battles I faced were in need of a boost of faith and me falling down onto my knees in total submission.
Now, I got up and walked away and no more than a day when everything seemed to be falling down I downgraded my prayer and starting saying if it’s in your will and I stopped and something came to me. Now in the bible it’s written that, “You ask and do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives so that you may spend it on your own pleasures”( James 4:3) Now, a big fine house with a pool out in the back is great but what about world hunger, missionaries fighting for their lives, safety in our country and throughout the world, peace, togetherness in the communities, better schools? We must start praying and unselfishly for peace, favor, and grace over leaders, communities, family members, and self and watch how that little mustard seed of faith and praise will make a impact… a positive impact..
After I snuggled into my bed with my white cheddar popcorn and room temperature red rock ginger ale. I started to flip through my Atlanta Parent magazine realizing at that very moment that I am now like one of those super attentive moms with team shirts and fundraising packets stuck closely to my chest. The very thing that I have dreaded and refused to get into. I was a mom. A mom that really wants that mini- van that I ridiculed for all of those years. Shame! What have I turned into?
The make-up departed when my baby was 2 year old and just forget wearing heels. Baby, I love my sneakers and tights. With a sporty tee of course and combs….what are those anyway? And Fashion has become a foreign word that I can no longer pronounce.
The fact is I am a mother….No, I am this famous lady, or flashy person. I am a mother and I am fine with that. Now, I must admit at times I feel like my identity has went to hell and stayed there because I have changed soooo much. Motherhood brings you into a place you never imagined being. A place that is suppose to take you away for selfish desires and focus on trying your best with the grace of God to raise your children to be God fearing, and productive citizens.
I had to really evaluate some things. Do I need to pump out books galore, go to work everyday, work a part-time job just to accumulate more things and have more time away from my daughters and husband. I think I am quite fine and blessed maybe I will go for that famous thing when the baby goes off to college. Who knows>>>>>
Love, peace and blessing to you all….
I walked into the room with my hot pink leg warmers pulled up high and my matches sweat band gripping my head tightly with a water bottle and towel held tightly in my right hand. The sign on door still has a fresh smell of marker lingering around as I pulled the door knob to enter into the line dancing 101 class. I didn’t know what to expect but for some strange reason I knew that was going to have a strangely weird experience. I can’t follow directions and my attention span is none to be desired so this was sure to be something. I just didn’t know what. Immediately a lady with the biggest red hair saw me. “You are new aren’t ya” she said in a southern accent as I reached down to pull my leg warmers back up over my legs. I nodded my head rather gently and hoped that she wouldn’t try to hold me for enormously long conversations. I quickly rushed over to the corner of the room because I knew that I needed ample space to mess up in. The room started to fill up quickly with ladies who were much more ripe than my 34 years of age. I started to relax and chill because I thought surely these ladies couldn’t out due me. There was no way. So, I rubbed my hands together slowly and softly gearing myself up as I looked around the room.
“Ladies welcome…welcome.. the first dance is Sheila”, everybody had these dreadfully serious looks on their faces as raised brows looked sternly at the instructor for directions. I knew in my heart and soul that I was going to be doing my own moves but then the unthinkable happened. IT WAS TWO instructors and one came and stood right next to me. There was no way for me to run now. They could see the entire room. I cracked my knuckles and rolled my neck slowly knowing that now things just got a little serious. The music came on and bounced off of the walls as hands clapped and fingers snapped. There was no turning back now. I had to move, shack, and go in the same dang on direction.
Line Dancing part 2 ughhhh ughhh ughhhh coming soon.
Thoughts raced in my mind quicker than a speeding bullet or at least that sounds about right. Fear seems to be contagious in a way. I would hang around certain people and before long I would have fears racing in my head and some of those fears did not belong to me. So, was I supposed to live in a bubble? or just run like hell from people? But choices that I came up with did not go with my personality. I am a lover of people and even animals too. I loved talking to people about life and experiences but if I got around a crew that had a thousand and one buts as to why they are not happy and where they want to be and had something negative say about not only themselves but other people I would slowly feel myself loosing energy as I absorbed their crap. My husband says to me all of the time that I listen and that’s all people want is for someone to listen but I wasn’t just listening I was absorbing and I wasn’t getting paid for it. The thing is this. I have to learn how to step in take my power back and do what makes me feel great and that’s speaking life over myself and others. So toss those negative thoughts out the door and welcome in new people and situations.
Steps to elevate Negativity in your Life
1. Pray( please a prayer in your God box asking God to change your mind set and place positive and progressive people in your life and block out all of those that aren’t right for you)
2. Live your life (Do fun things….laugh a lot and worry less)
3. At the end of the day and before your day begins MEDITATE
4. Exercise more( walks in nature)
5. Eat healthier( going to sleep after eating cake will have you dreaming all kinds of crazy stuff.
6. If somebody is around you and everything is negative just walk away and politely excuse yourself *you might be alone for awhile but honey that is better than being around someone that dumps their crap on you…
Peace and Love to you ALL!!!!!!
By: Ross Dee Wright
11:11 p.m. blinks in bold red dashes over and over again on the clock sitting neatly up on my nightstand as I or rather my mind tries to find some sort of sleep and rest but somehow my thoughts are set on running all over the place as usual. My focus wonders in the same directions as I concern myself with everything that is meaningless leaving little to no room for happiness or even rest which I am almost certain will never come within the grips of my eyes. Before I can go on I look over to the clock and see that it is still 11:11 p.m. everything is a message so of course I insist that 11:11 is trying to warn me or confirm some horrible truth. Maybe my wishes of happiness and peace will finally settle into my mind taking up residence or maybe relaxing all of the tension that is pulling my peace of mind further and further away from me with stop in an instant. 11:11 means something and I have looked it up over a hundred times so I should know exactly what it represents but I try not to focus in on it so much instead I reach over and pop my anti-anxiety pill and I wait for just the moment or second that it pops into my system to quiet down my mind and the thoughts about my life coming to an abrupt end. I turn back over and decide to search just what 1111 means and of course it means that something is trying to get my attention and that I should pay attention to my thoughts but somehow my thoughts and everything was trying to get my attention from the clock to the racing thoughts in my head……………….Things are starting to slow down just a bit and everything isn’t as intense as it was before but I knew in my mind that I only had a few minutes before my thoughts exploded and covered over my clarity and moments of sanity with total confusion. Maybe it was wearing off just that quickly because my thoughts are not supposed to be worries attached to should have’s and could have’s. The medicine is anti-anxiety but somehow my anxiety on days like this one seemed to heighten.
Jail……a mental jail is one way to describe it; my feelings but at least in jail you have a moment of free play, or interaction. Somehow my free play was restricted and redirected to worry and worrying is what I did but I thought that the medicine was suppose to calm my nerves down and relax me and have me stuck on chill mode but it didn’t.. Smiling through things is what I do best. I bet nobody knew that the active and friendly mother of two and wife was suffering from anxiety and depression a time or two that would confine me to only my room left to deal with my mind. Not a single soul would ever know how I stay up all night long only to see the rising of the sun and then I quickly fall asleep knowing that I had made it safely to morning, or how I drop out of sight from friends and family just alike because of my desire to keep my bad moments, and fragile state out of the way of inquiring and judgmental minds. I hate the questions the most. The questions that seems to probe into my life with a huge microscope; examining all of my faults or maybe that’s just the anxiety getting the best of my emotions and worries as I cry out to God in the midnight hour to come down and save me from this mental insanity or curse that seems to be tied to me my aunts, and father as well.
I have been battling anxiety and depression since 15 years old and now at 33 years of age it has seeped back in after the death of my mother. I guess it is true what people say that somehow you are your mother and she is you. I never could understand my mothers’ fears about riding on the freeway or flying until I faced those same fears and a couple of new ones. All of a sudden I just knew that my life was doomed and that I wouldn’t live to see my daughter grow into adulthood and I flashed back and remembered that being a fear of my mothers’ as well. Anxiety seems to be passed down through generation to generation in my family along with depression.
I figured that I could find the golden ticket; the answer to solve my mental problems without the doctors so I reached for herbal remedies like passion flower tea but the symptoms went away for just a bit but somehow as life stressors emerge the effect of my herbal rememedies slowly disappeared and I ended up in the emergency room with face tingles and a headache that didn’t seem to want to leave my head. After the intake nurse and my husband at that hospital insisted on making jokes about the assumed tumor that I just knew was enlarged and sitting in my head I decided to go back or rather run back to my doctor and back on my anti-anxiety, depression, and adhd medicine. I hated taking pills but I wanted some sort of peace and ability to function.
I try to incorporate exercising, prayer, meditation, eating healthy, and just living life into my daily regimen but as we all know life is still just difficult at times. So I decided that I can only take one day at a time and I am learning to live for me, love myself and others more and to stop attempting to prove myself to anybody on this earthly plain. Honestly, I have my super days and my jacked up and ran over days but I try not to focus on the bad and just pray, regroup, and live through the blahhh days. and to be honest it feels great and on those days I start slipping I pray, regroup and live. I keep my faith strong and run like heck away from that darn passion flower tea and caffeine too.
As a woman sufferer of a mental illness I think; no rather I know that it is imperative to share my stories because honey, my shoes ain’t nothing new and hopefully my story could help another woman feel like she isn’t all alone or abnormal as she attempts to live through the stigma of mental illness . It’s time to release, reflect, renew, and heal !